This is the beginning of the end
I'm not living I'm not surviving I'm not existing I am dead It was the only thing giving me hope and it went away I am still trying to figure out Why things ended up this way I am still trying to understand why Not every good thing is not meant to stay They make it look so ideal on the t.v. screen
Loosing my soul to find the American dream Life conforms to the likeliness of a machine All I need to do is satisfy my self esteem Just stay focused on following the paper trail If you have no money than your purpose in life is a fail Equating your life to a number on a scale They keep our lives trapped in a paper jail Someone in the house has got to pay the bills We have society expectations that we need to fulfill There is nothing in the world that money can't buy All you have to do is work hard and always try With the things we buy we really cover up and hide The deadly truth that lies deep inside Having more money will always brings us more pride That will only cause a social class apartheid Class is not the only limit that the American dream brings There is race, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and gender That are among some of the things If evil is the plant then money is the seed It chokes other plants around it because the green paper is a weed It causes the garden to be consumed with its greed In order for the plant to see itself succeed It has to leave the reaper in desperate need I don't want to gain the whole world just to loose my soul I am not a slave Money must be a tool that I am able to control If you live for the world you will never be satisfied Happiness comes from changing yourself from within Not the outside Keep deception and lies far from me; Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion- Proverbs 30:8 Tears lurk through the shadows of my eye
Darkness fills my conscious like a high Feeling disappointed that I found myself awake From the suicide last night that I tried to make I tremble out of bed at the crack of dawn I get myself ready for the day and put my mask on I pretend to be happy, I pretend that I am free But deep inside my heart It's killing me Every single night is just a replay That time when he took a piece of me away Memories that keep haunting me from my past How long is this pain going to last? He would come to my bed in the middle of the night Hold me tight when I tried to fight My body had become his prey I became too scared to try and run away He tore off my clothes and started to touch Just to remind myself of this hurts me so much He pinned me to the bed to penetrate his thing Those scars in my heart will always sting Night after night I endured this pain Through the rest of my life this would remain a stain This went on for about 2 years But there will always be my silent tears I feared to tell someone because of the shame But was a six year old girl the one to really blame? We are all so different and yet so much the same Everyone in some way or another will experience a kind of pain I learned to forgive and let myself escape From a time in my past that happened called "rape" This story stays like a tatto on the sleeve of my heart The challenges we face in life sets each of us apart Everybody has secrets they wish not to recall In order for a flower to bloom some rain must fall More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope - Romans 5:3-4 Ever since I was young I always loved words
I thought it was fascinating how Words can express your thoughts and emotions It amused me how words can persuade and change a mind Or how words can hide the truth Words can build up and words can break down Words can make you grow and blossom like tulips in spring Words can make your mind escape into a fantasy Words can make your soul leave your body Words can kill and break your heart Words can create your reality and change your destiny Most of all I loved how words felt in my mouth Words like Pulchritudinous, Antediluvian ,Apocryphal, Egregious Felt like a sip of cold refreshing water on a hot summer day Words like Zephyr, Ubiquitous, Sanguine,Idiosyncratic Felt like sweet honey rolling off the tip of my tongue Words like Iconoclast, and Vituperate that sparked like fireworks Words like Aposiopesis, and Tintinnabulation that twisted my tongue Then they were also beautiful words like Exuberant Emollient Mellifluous Pyrrhic Those words tasted and reminded me of paradise They were more than tools That I would use to tell stories, jokes, or speeches They felt more than just goosebumps and breathtaking moments They were my loyal friends I relied on them deeply They shined bright like stars on a dark stormy night But one day they were no words. No adjective seemed to fit in Frantic Terrifying Lost Distraught Broken No noun can do it justice Death Anxiety Depression Tears Suicide There was no words to described how I cried Hysterically Recklessly Insanely Violently As I remembered how much pain I felt when I was raped I was so alone I didn't know who to run to I didn't know what I should do My mind was in a blur I was lying on the floor My body was shaking vigorously But my heart was Still Cold Empty Melancholy I was scrambling to find words to express my emotions But it didn't exist I was gasping for words like I was drowning in an ocean But I was only coming out speechless That was a lie because there was actually one word that was on my mind It is a heavy word, a question, and a demand This word kept ringing in my head over and over, louder and louder each time Every night this word left tear stains in my eyes This misterious word was "why" And now when I think of it There is one final thing that I can say When I replay the story of my life I remember that God made a way What happened was I needed God to change my heart The only way for him to do that was to Break my life apart God also told me that He wanted to grow my faith He wanted to know the difference between The real ones and the fake The most powerful words are in His name When you call to know that God will break every chain For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.- Hebrews 4:12 I kept trying to find who I was by looking at others
I wanted to fit in the status quo I compared myself to people all the time The more I wanted to be like others the more I lost myself The more I didn't know who I was anymore The more I became insecure The more I started doubting myself I knew I couldn't be exactly like them so it frustrated me It made me feel like a nobody I felt disappointed in myslef I didn't know that Wanting to be like other people limited myself and my abilities Until one day I discovered who I am is in God Not what people limit me to be My journey is different and so is my destiny Everybody is different because everybody is created for a different purpose We all have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching - Romans 12:6-7 I gazed deep into her eyes
The more I looked the more I began to realize That every time she said "I'm fine" Must truly be a real lie They say eyes are the windows to your soul Her eyes looked like a dark empty hole They poured like rain falling from the sky Pain so deep you can drown and die Her eyes shout out what she's afraid to say They tell me that she lost her way Her eyes are opened but her mind is blind Broken pieces not aligned I looked at the reflection in her eyes It comes from what she feels inside I wish she could see what I can see I wish she can let her mind be free I wish her curtains weren't drawn so tight I wish that she can see the light Behind her windows is a nice view Whenever you are down God is there for you God sees things the way they really are Turn to God to heal your scars In Him there is life This life is the light of all mankind In that day the deaf shall hear the words of a book, and out of their gloom and darkness the eyes of the blind shall see. The meek shall obtain fresh joy in the LORD, and the poor among mankind shall exult in the Holy One of Israel- Isaiah 29:18-19 When I was young I was care free
I wouldn't let bad things get to me Despite my odds I was happy Until I lived in summer 13 I thought my life was going well Until I found myself living inside hell I was rejected by all my friends My parents marriage was going to end Bad things were happening to my brother My heart got broken by a lover That summer my house got robbed My mom got fired from her job She was also very sick and ill My family was struggling to pay the bills I was being rejected from all the jobs that I applied Then someone close to me had just died I wasn't doing well in school My situation was just not cool I thought there was no point to living life I thought maybe I should end my strife That moment changed me forever That summer made me more than a conqueror It was frustrating but I am glad I went through it all knowing that I can tell someone they are never bleeding alone You will face all kinds of trouble . When you do think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be put to the test. You know that when it happens it will produce in you the strength to continue.The strength to keep going must be to finish it's work.Then you will be all you should be.You will have everything you need. James 1:2-4 Mirror mirror on the wall
You say i’m the fairest of them all But mirror mirror can't you see Can you also fix the burden inside me I stay up late and I have trouble sleeping Every night I'm lying down crying and weeping Then in the morning I hate to get out of bed Not because I want to sleep in but it's my life that I dread I always tremble the crack of dawn I get myself ready for the day and put my mask on I pretend to be happy, I pretend that I am free But deep inside my heart is killing me My soul stays dead across my bedroom floor There is a battle in my head and I am wounded from the war My heart is poisoned by a forbidden fruit Insecurities is the seed and depression is the root I'm looking for a saviour who can wake me up from this spell The prince of peace who can deliver me out of this hell The one true lover who can come rescue me Someone who can let my soul be free That is why God sent christ from above To raise the broken hearted with his love And despite all the crimes that we may constantly commit His selfless love is able to forgive it God knows the pain you're hiding God sees people's hearts the way they truly are So turn to God to heal your scars For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life- John 3:16 |
AuthorDeborah Senyange Archives
June 2017
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