Dear Ex almost,
If you're reading this it’s too late, we changed we can never be the same. I hate texting you I want to see you face to face but we don’t talk anymore and for now it’s better to leave it that way. Letters these days seem so cliche, so if you’re wondering why i’m writing to you I guess I want you to know there is something about you that I can’t erase, and it’s hard to escape. You were different from all the other guys I've been with before. I got played by the guy I played, and it hurt me to the core. I remember how you used to always tell me the ball was in my court, the problem is I didn’t know all the rules to this sport. I was foolish to think that maybe we could last, because a friends with benefits always ends up in a crash. We built a sandcastle that washed away, when the rain came down and the winds blew you washed away. You were the only one giving me attention at that time, and it was a beautiful sandcastle, it was my first sandcastle. Although I knew it was just a sandcastle and not a house for us to stay it still hurt me to see the sandcastle wash away. In the beginning I willingly gave it away because I didn't see the waves that were coming way. I didn't want to let you go so I agreed to make sure no strings were tide, but deep inside I wasn't fully satisfied . I found myself tangled in a knot that attached to you. I was always watching you for your next move. I thought that I could trap you, but I was caught off guard and I fell for you instead. You decieved me and I blamed you for my mistakes, but I don’t regret it you became the best mistake I ever made. It took sometime to forgive myself for feeling that way. You took something sacred from me I can never get back. You changed me and I didn’t like that. I felt so worthless and ashamed, I didn't want to make my body feel used in that way and it’s hard to mask the pain. It stung the most because I lost it with unrequited love, respect for myself is what I let go of. I became guilty of the same crime I used to ridicule other girls for having. Waiting until marriage is what I was planning. It's been over but I’m still trying to move on. Please don’t try to come back to me. I needed to be the one who was rejected to stop wanting you. I always knew we are not compatible, it would have never worked out for us either way. My mind was working fine but my heart was blind and I still fought you to love despite what my mind had to say. I hoped you would want to keep me but you won the game and I let you have your way. Now i’m broken and I take the “L” everyday. I didn't want to keep having lust with you, I wanted to make love with you. I cared I know you didn’t care too much- if not at all- but I did care. People come into your life for a reason or a season. You may have not loved me but you changed me, you taught me, you grew me. I’m thankful for the lessons you taught me that I can take to my life beyond the grave. Sex can’t make someone fall for you, it’s just the icing on the cake. In the end you took your mask off and I saw that it was fake. I thank God I dodged a bullet when I realized your real face. I used to regret the day we even started to become friends, but my bible says all things work together for good to those who love God, and He loves us despite the fact that we fail him everyday. Everyone told me writing a letter to you makes me weak, and I need to be silent they told me I should not speak. My conscience is pale the drowning inside made my flesh and my heart fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.- psalm 73:26 P.S. It’s our choices that show who we truly are far more than our abilities.
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AuthorDeborah Senyange Archives
June 2017
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